Writer's Block

You will notice that this blog hasn’t maintained the initial burst of enthusiasm that accompanied its launch back in September 2011. There are many reasons for this.

Firstly it was launched largely as a vehicle for talking about my depression, and I’m feeling a lot better now, thanks :-) (Although I do still have my moments!)

Secondly, I just simply haven’t had time, what with work, rehearsing for Confusions with HTC, and training for the London Marathon.

Thirdly, I’ve had the dreaded writer’s block. Not just blogwise, but with writing in general.

Actually, no, it’s worse than that. I am writing. Rather, I’m starting things and not finishing them. I have a lot of ideas. I’ve been working on a short story about a depression sufferer who meets the love of his live while he is stood on the edge of a cliff contemplating jumping.  I started another short story inspired by the emptiness of a house after the Christmas decorations come down on Twelfth Night, and an elderly person’s reminiscing about Christmases past. And my counsellor has been nagging me to write something about a particularly significant childhood event.

The thing is, I’ve started all these pieces but I just can’t finish any of them. And I think it’s due to a crisis in confidence. I see the words on the screen, and I just really don’t like them!

Luckily, I’ve had a timely kick up the backside, which will hopefully recalibrate the old creative process and get me back on track writing again.

Yesterday I attended another of Claire Hamilton’s wonderful writing days in the Forest of Dean. The theme for the day was play writing, and the guest tutor was the excellent local playwright, Shaun McCarthy.

We studied the general form of the play, which is similar to the “START” narrative structure for a story, but tends to be a bit more restrictive or prescriptive due to the constraints imposed by the practicalities of actually staging the play in a fixed space in a limited amount of time, and of the expectations of the audience – they tend to like convention rather than experimentation, in format at least if not in content. We studied a number of examples of opening scenes and we looked how the dialogue in that opening scene is vital in terms of setting up context, characters and theme development. 

We also did a couple of interesting exercises. Firstly we had to write the opening scene of a play in which two friends were in a situation which was disturbed by the arrival of the partner of one of them with a particular object. Then we had to write a short pitch for that play. Would you go and see this?

Carmel and Eve’s idyllic Cotswold Coffee morning is shattered when Carmel’s husband Charles brings home a knife seemingly belonging to their teenaged son.
Does Broken Britain extend beyond our inner cities? How well do we know our own children and what strains do their actions place on our relationships?

After lunch we had to develop a plan for a play inspired by the recession and then write its opening scene. The plan had to include the following elements

• Cast
• Premise (existing state of affairs)
• Inciting Incident
• Crisis
• Climax
• Resolution

So, watch this space for a cracking new play set in the Welsh valleys about unscrupulous types who exploit the victims of recession, the desperate measures people are forced to take to put a hot meal on the table during hard times and the way our prejudices come to the fore when the going gets tough. And if David Essex is at a loose end, I’ll need him to play the head of the gypsy family that come to town…

Severn's End

A (not very good) poem inspired by a recent visit to Severn Beach. The photos are OK though...

SEVERN'S END 

	Britannia’s longest bloodline Spills into Celtic seas so bleak Completing its epic voyage From high on a Cambrian peak Flowing through English shires Under Darby’s bridge of iron Over floodplains and marches Hosting coracles and leaping salmon
Battling billowing bores and treacherous tides muddy maelstroms meld and mingle and slap its slimy sides But there’s no romance at this place Instead man-made spans connect John Bull’s industrial belly with the Welsh dragon’s furnace
	But beauty is in the eye of the beholder For some the desolate isolation of a place spurned by city dwellers is graceful incarnation
Pebbles like rocky cannonballs stacked precariously on the mud Neat yet strangely irregular Colourless, yet many hued Driftwood jagging from these rock piles Crazed antlers of freakish sea deer Washed up plywood with peacock feathers Stained into flaking veneer
	Bubbling dreadlocks of seaweed cling grimly to their rocky hosts As icy gusts claim their scalps and winds turn them to grisly ghosts
Quivering jellies of mud lure children to a gloopy trap While high above a futuristic arc Carries an oblivious racing track
	A more sedate span brings Wordsworth’s valley Into the day trippers’ reach Sabrina, at the end of her journey Softly kisses this beautifully ugly Beach.

The Wedding List

Today at Claire Hamilton's creative writing group over in the Wye Valley, we were playing with the use of lists in contemporary fiction. The group seemed to quite like what I came up with in the 10-minute exercise, so I thought I'd reproduce it here.

THE WEDDING LIST

Melanie (29, single, Jilly Cooper, cats, Michael Bublé) looked at John (32, divorced, Stephen King, dogs, Van Halen) and threw her hands up in despair.

“How are we going to get this down to 60?” she shrieked.

“OK. Let’s start with the easy ones.

Top table.

• Me
• You
• My mum and dad
• Your mum and dad
• Best man. Phil
• Bridesmaid. Helen

OK?”

“OK”

 “Your sister.

• Vegetarian.
• Man-eater.
• Will drink the bar dry of vodka”

“Yep. Your brother”

“OK. But don’t put him near

• Uncle Paul
• Auntie Mabel
• The vicar
• The bar”

“What about Jim and Karen?”

“OK, but then you have to invite their kids.”

“Oh yeah. What are they called?

• Hope
• Charity
• Destiny
• Faith
• Err….”

“You forgot Innocence and Bliss”

“OK, stop. Cross them off”

“Who else?”

“Uncle Basil (72, lecherous, racist, crashing bore)”

“No. Gary and Kelly. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off…”

“Maybe not”

“Look, can we forget about this for now and do something else?”

“OK, how about the music?”

“Easy”

“What?”

“Liszt!”

The Power of Exercise

Despite a huge pharmaceutical intake over the weekend, I still haven't managed to shake off the cold that I've had for most of the last week, but somehow I managed to drag myself into work this morning.

I sniffed, coughed and spluttered my way through the morning.

My lunch consisted of a couple of cold and flu capsules with a pasta and egg salad on the side.

My head throbbed through the afternoon and by home time my nose was red raw from repeated blowing.

And yet, despite setting off with a heavy heart and a head full of dread, my run home was absolutely amazing. My head cleared almost instantly. My sinuses miraculously unblocked, my lungs filled with refreshingly cold January air and, if I'd been in that 1970s Tunes advert, I'd have been ordering a second-class return to Nottingham rather than Dottingham, no trouble.

I positively bounded the three miles home and by the time I arrived I was fit to face the world again.

How does that work then?

That Was The Year That Was (Part Three)

Come to sunny Arbroath...

Lanterns on the Lake audition for new drummer

On a cheerier note it's been a great year for holidays, festivals and gigs. I spent a week in April with my boys up in Scotland, visiting my brother and his wife. We had a few days at a holiday home in Kenmore on Loch Tay, then back to their place in Carnoustie. I also showed the boys my old stomping ground of Lancaster and Morecambe on the way home. Easter was spent camping at one of my favourite places in the whole world, Llanthony in the Black Mountains. I had a lovely long weekend - despite the weather - on Cape Cornwall in August and the same month saw the annual "Dads and Lads" camping weekend at Kitts Cottage in West Sussex. I went to the Green Man Festival in the Brecon Beacons for the first time this year. Although it was hard work with two young boys in tow, it had a great vibe and the highlight was an amazing late night set by Explosions in the Sky. I also met up with some old Uni friends, Leanne and Sue, for the first time in over 25 years. September saw the annual trip to the End of the Road Festival. Again some great acts - The Fall, Lanterns on the Lake, John Grant, M Ward and She Keeps Bees to name but a few - but the highlight was spending all day Sunday in a 6 foot Clanger outfit! Other musical highlights of the year have included Low, Jonsi, Scott Matthews, British Sea Power, Ash and Interpol.

As ever, it's been a proud year for me watching my boys grow up. Jay goes from strength to strength academically and he is still very much involved in Stagecoach and other drama groups. As well as appearing with me in Franky Panky, which was a great bonding experience, he also did a week at The Big Act's summer boot camp, culminating in a Grease/Mamma Mia/Glee production, and he appeared in Sleeping Beauty at the Savoy in Monmouth just before Christmas. He has also pleasantly surprised me by taking a really keen interest in football, and especially Pompey, this year. Will has struggled a bit with the move up from Infants to Junior class, and from Beavers to Cubs, this year and he can be quite a "trying" child at times, but when he is engaged in something he enjoys doing he is such a lovely boy, and he has a wicked sense of humour and mischief which far outweighs the "difficult" side to his personality. His drumming lessons are coming on well and that's something we can build on in 2012.

There have been some negatives in 2011 - due to lack of time I've had to pull back from the reading groups I started up in Bradley Stoke, it hasn't been the best of years in the workplace and, as ever, I still have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships - but I don't want to dwell on those other than that 2012 will no doubt provide opportunities to improve!
 

So what does 2012 have in store?

Well first up, tomorrow in fact, I start a new project at work. It's a bit more responsibility in that I'm the Task Leader and it's something that's a bit more related to my MSc thesis, so I'm looking forward to that challenge. Talking of the MSc, I need to raise my game on that in 2012 and the first task will be to really get my head down and tackle the literature review.

Tomorrow also sees the resumption of rehearsals for Confusions, HTC's February production. This is quite a departure from HTC Singers and Franky Panky in that it is "proper" acting, albeit still a comedy, and it will be interesting to see how that pans out.

Finally, on April 22nd I will be dragging my body around the streets of London as I compete (using the word in its' loosest sense!) in the 2012 London Marathon. I've just been keeping the fitness levels ticking over since I found out in November I had secured a place, but now the training starts in anger! And I've got a couple of events planned for along the way - the madness that is the Slaughterford 9 at the end of the month, and the Forest Half again on 1st April. Depression and mental health has featured quite strongly in my review of 2011, so it should come as no surprise that my chosen charity for the Marathon is Mind, an organisation that does a lot of good work for people with mental health issues. My fundraising page is now open, so please give generously.

That Was The Year That Was (Part Two)

November saw me enrolled as an Assistant Cub Leader. I've been involved with the 1st Wyesham Shadows pack for about a year as an occasional helper, but I've taken a more active role since the summer, going on camps and trips, supporting the weekly pack meetings and finally helping pull together the Gang Show section for the Mayor of Monmouth's Showcase. So it made sense to go the whole hog and get me into uniform. It's been another really rewarding activity, watching the boys achieving things they thought weren't capable of, and its been good to give something back to an organisation that gave me a lot when I was growing up.


My MSc studies continued apace. The first half of the year went well, as I completed the taught phase and thereby gained my PGCert. Unfortunately the thesis has been very slow to get off the ground and its something I need to focus on a lot more in 2012. Who would have thought I would struggle to find the motivation to write 12000-20000 words on "Test and Evaluation of Systems of Systems"...

Talking of finding the words, I'm still active in two writing groups: Kate Dunn's in Bristol and Claire Hamilton's in the Forest. I find both very enjoyable, especially the lovely all-day sessions in the beautiful setting of Claire's place in the Wye Valley. Both groups are full of extremely talented people and hopefully one day I'll be able to match their talents. I certainly need to be more prolific in 2012 - I have a lot of good ideas but am not very good at following them through. Something else to work on in the New Year. I've also started blogging, which is both enjoyable and at times therapuetic, but it does make me tend towards non-fiction rather than creative writing which, again, is something to work on.

As regular readers of this blog will know, I'm still having issues with depression and have gone back into counselling to try and find some answers. The first time I tried counselling I was given a room (and a mostly silent counsellor) and told to "use the space as I saw fit", which was awful! I didn't know what to say or do and nearly didn't return after the first session. But it did get some issues out in the open, even if it just left them hanging there. The second course of counselling I did was a bit more interactive, and started to provide answers to some of the questions raised in the first course. However, it was really about addressing and managing the symptoms of my depression rather than its root causes. In the summer of this year I found myself slipping back into some previous bad behaviours and I thought I would try and nip it in the bud with some more sessions. My last counsellor recommended psychodynamic therapy, so that's what I started over the summer. It's
hard to explain how it works, but it seems to involve talking about childhood episodes but re-evaluating them from an adult perspective, thinking about how they made me feel at the time, how that has impacted on my adult life and how I could look at each episode differently to achieve a different adult outcome. It's been a difficult journey but the benefits are beginning to show as I've started changing my behaviours following a number of "light bulb" moments. But I also know there are a lot of issues still to be addressed and I'll be going back for more in 2012.

That Was The Year That Was (Part One)

Apologies for not having blogged for a while. It's a busy time of year, apparently!

Whilst I'm not a great believer in celebrating arbitrary dates in arbitrary calendar systems, it seems an appropriate time to reflect on what has been a pretty remarkable year and look forward to the coming twelve months. And I'll make no apologies for deliberately reflecting on the positives and achievements.

The biggest change in my life in 2011 is that there is now a lot less of me than there was this time last year. In January I enrolled with Slimming World and I have lost 3½ stone in that time. Not only has this had obvious health benefits but it has made a huge psychological difference to me. I've had to get used to people complimenting me on how good I look, which has been quite a novelty. I've had to buy a whole new wardrobe and I can shop in "normal" shops again. I can dress with confidence instead of hiding behind unflattering clothes. But most of all I feel in control of my body again, which is so important for someone like me who has confidence and self-esteem issues and who has in the past used comfort and binge eating to deal with depression. And I've met some great people in the Slimming World group. The eating plan itself isn't rocket science. I think what makes you lose weight is the support you get from your fellow slimmers at the weekly meetings.

Alongside Slimming World, I continue to run, which obviously helps with the fitness and weight loss. My daily commute is no longer cycling, it is mostly on foot now. I also ran the Westonbirt 10k and the Forest of Dean Half Marathon in 2011. A bigger challenge awaits in 2012, more of which later. Running also hugely helps my mental well being. I feel great after a good run. I feel in tune with my body and I feel in control. Conversely I get really cranky if I go more than a couple of days without a run, as was the case when I was injured over the summer.

My relationship with alcohol also changed in 2011. I went from New Year to Easter without touching a drop, until I was led astray in the Welsh Mountains. I was on and off the drink over the summer, but as I write this I haven't had a drink since the last night of panto (see below) which was a very distant 64 days ago. I wouldn't have described myself as an alcoholic - I never drank alone or at home and I could easily go without a drink for long periods - but if I did have a drink I found it difficult to stop at one or two. This in itself wasn't the end of the world, but the drinking sessions would lead to over-eating, tiredness, poor decision making and eventually bouts of depression which, if I wasn't careful, became a vicious circle. Not drinking has obvious health (physical and mental) pay-offs as well as financial benefits, and I still find myself going out and enjoying myself just as much, but without the downside. So I'm going to keep off the sauce until at least April 22nd (see below for the significance of that date) and see how it goes. 

HTC Singers

It's behind you...

Fugue live at Pucklechurch

In February I was taken along to a performance of On the Town and Lazing Around by Horfield Theatre Company and I liked it so much that I joined the company! Initially I joined their newly-formed choir, HTC Singers, and thoroughly enjoyed the experience as we worked towards our inaugural summer concert. I hadn't sung in public since school and it was pretty nerve-wracking, especially my solo during the Les Mis medley. But it was a very rewarding experience to find out what I was capable of, to bring together a thoroughly professional show and to make lots of new friends in the process.

Following on from the success of the summer concert, I was talked into auditioning for HTC's next production, a Halloween panto - Franky Panky. Remarkably I got through the audition and landed the part of a simple villager named Horst Roff, a part that involved singing (OK), dancing (not so OK) and quite a few lines (gulp!). The rehearsal schedule was quite gruelling and I especially struggled with the dancing, both remembering and actually doing the routines. There were many tantrums along the way, but come October half term it all came together and we again put on a great show. Once again it was not only the thrill of being up on stage performing, but it was also the camaraderie and the friendships made along the way that made it all worthwhile.

Another spin-off from HTC has seen me dusting off the old drumsticks and getting behind the kit once more, following the launch of Fugue. (The nucleus of the band comes from HTC). After several months of rehearsals, we finally got our act together enough to perform on stage on the penultimate day of the year! We did four numbers at Pucklechurch Open Mic and it seemed to go down pretty well. So here's to bigger and better things for Fugue in 2012...