That Was The Year That Was (Part Two)

November saw me enrolled as an Assistant Cub Leader. I've been involved with the 1st Wyesham Shadows pack for about a year as an occasional helper, but I've taken a more active role since the summer, going on camps and trips, supporting the weekly pack meetings and finally helping pull together the Gang Show section for the Mayor of Monmouth's Showcase. So it made sense to go the whole hog and get me into uniform. It's been another really rewarding activity, watching the boys achieving things they thought weren't capable of, and its been good to give something back to an organisation that gave me a lot when I was growing up.


My MSc studies continued apace. The first half of the year went well, as I completed the taught phase and thereby gained my PGCert. Unfortunately the thesis has been very slow to get off the ground and its something I need to focus on a lot more in 2012. Who would have thought I would struggle to find the motivation to write 12000-20000 words on "Test and Evaluation of Systems of Systems"...

Talking of finding the words, I'm still active in two writing groups: Kate Dunn's in Bristol and Claire Hamilton's in the Forest. I find both very enjoyable, especially the lovely all-day sessions in the beautiful setting of Claire's place in the Wye Valley. Both groups are full of extremely talented people and hopefully one day I'll be able to match their talents. I certainly need to be more prolific in 2012 - I have a lot of good ideas but am not very good at following them through. Something else to work on in the New Year. I've also started blogging, which is both enjoyable and at times therapuetic, but it does make me tend towards non-fiction rather than creative writing which, again, is something to work on.

As regular readers of this blog will know, I'm still having issues with depression and have gone back into counselling to try and find some answers. The first time I tried counselling I was given a room (and a mostly silent counsellor) and told to "use the space as I saw fit", which was awful! I didn't know what to say or do and nearly didn't return after the first session. But it did get some issues out in the open, even if it just left them hanging there. The second course of counselling I did was a bit more interactive, and started to provide answers to some of the questions raised in the first course. However, it was really about addressing and managing the symptoms of my depression rather than its root causes. In the summer of this year I found myself slipping back into some previous bad behaviours and I thought I would try and nip it in the bud with some more sessions. My last counsellor recommended psychodynamic therapy, so that's what I started over the summer. It's
hard to explain how it works, but it seems to involve talking about childhood episodes but re-evaluating them from an adult perspective, thinking about how they made me feel at the time, how that has impacted on my adult life and how I could look at each episode differently to achieve a different adult outcome. It's been a difficult journey but the benefits are beginning to show as I've started changing my behaviours following a number of "light bulb" moments. But I also know there are a lot of issues still to be addressed and I'll be going back for more in 2012.

They Shall Not Grow Old

On Friday at 11am, the nation fell silent in remembrance of those who went off to war, never to return. I attended services both on Friday and on Sunday, and both were equally poignant.

Remembrance is a personal thing. I don’t wear a poppy. That’s not disrespectful. I just believe the wearing of the poppy has been hijacked by certain sections of society, for the wrong reasons. I wear mine on the inside. Likewise, I tend not to go to public remembrance services, but wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, every 11th November at 11am, I step outside for two minutes of contemplative and respectful silence.

This year, however, I happened to be on a MOD site on the 11^th so I attended the on-site service. I was amazed at the turn out. Yes, you’d expect the military to be there, but civilians too turned out in their hundreds to pay respect. The service was very moving. Reveille always gives me a lump in the throat, and the two minutes’ silence was impeccably observed. I think the presence of so many military personnel, most of them still serving, made it all the more poignant to me. Most of them would know someone currently in-theatre. A large percentage of them have probably lost a colleague, a friend or a family member in service. It made me realise that remembrance is as much about 2011 as it is about the trenches of the Somme or the Normandy beaches.

Cubs on Parade

On Sunday I attended my first Remembrance parade as a Cub leader.  We had to bribe the Cubs to attend by offering a night hike from Welsh Newton and a sleepover in the Scout hut the night before, but, in fairness, they were all very enthusiastic about attending, a feeling reflected in the smartness of their uniforms and the fresh polish on their shoes. We assembled at Monmouth Castle and proudly marched into town – Thursday’s drill practice clearly paying off – with the local TA and RNR units, the mayoral party, police, MPs and AMs, Scouts, Guides and local schools for a service in glorious November sunshine at the War Memorial. We then attended a very moving service at St Mary’s Priory Church.

I was so proud of the way our Cubs conducted themselves. They showed dignity and respect well beyond their years, but they also enjoyed themselves. They were under strict orders not to wave at the crowd as we marched, but you could see proud smiles crack their faces as family members were spotted en route. Our flag bearer had miraculously transformed from the little **** keeping half the pack awake all night to a responsible member of society! But most of all they collectively just seemed to “get” it. The emphasis of Sunday was very much on the World Wars of last century, with a number of veterans in attendance and laying wreaths. So, I asked myself, what relevance does it all have to an eight year old boy? But, without any coaching from their leaders, they did find it relevant and clearly understood the importance of remembering those who have given their lives.

And that gives me hope that our future is in good hands. Remembrance isn’t, as I have heard some say, about glorifying war. It’s about - to me anyway - realising war’s futility and making sure in future we don’t use it other than as a last resort. And it’s about paying respect to those who decided it was worth making the ultimate sacrifice and who shall not grow old. And if our youngest members of society grow up understanding that, things can’t be all bad.

After the Lord Mayor's Show

Look at those flares, man!

Previously in this blog I talked about the thrill of the opening night of panto - my first ever performance on stage in an acting role - and how I hoped there wouldn't be a sense of anti-climax surrounding the second and subsequent nights.

Well the fears were unfounded and the rest of the week just got better and better. I think we all got more confident as the week went on and the audiences got more responsive as a result. By the end of the week we put out a very polished show and the crowd loved it. Certainly, from my point of view, the thrill of performing didn't diminish, and the camaraderie built up in the company increased by the day. The end of show party was very "emotional" as I broke my self-imposed 5 week alcohol exile and let down what little hair I have for one final fling with my new-found friends.

Sunday was quite a sad occasion, as we took the stage down and cleared the hall of all signs that there had been a drama production taking place over the previous week. And we said our goodbyes (or as Flossie would say, our Auf Wiedersehens) and departed...

"Oooh I don't feel safe in this place..."

...and waited for the big post-show come down that everyone said would inevitably come. I was particularly wary of this, given my well documented predisposition towards depression. But I've used all the coping techniques that I've learned over the past couple of years to ward off the expected blues. I made a conscious effort to get back on my eating plan after a week of catching ready meals and pizza whenever an opportunity arose, and I've resumed running following a week where my only exercise was the Time Warp and Transylvania Mania. And, touch wood, so far I've managed to hold it together and not be overcome by a craving to put on make up, purple flares and a Viking helmet again and shout "Oh No It Isn't" to the boys and girls.

So what's next? The logical 99% of me says bank the experience and move on. Get my life back again. Focus on work and my sorely neglected studies. Spend more quality time with my girlfriend, family and friends. Kick-start the band back into life again. Do a bit more writing. But the 1% dreamer in me wants to experience the thrill again. Auditions for the next production begin on Wednesday. Which side of me will win out, the dreamer or the logical thinker? Watch this space...

Meanwhile, it's not really "After the Lord Mayor's show" - I'll be back on stage on Thursday with my Cubs, performing in the Mayor of Monmouth's 2011 Showcase Spectacular. Not quite Franky Panky, but if you're in the area, why not come along and enjoy the show?

Not So Broken Britain

Mr Cameron has adopted the phrase "Broken Britain" (and it comes to something when the Prime Minister has to steal his soundbites from The Sun) presumably so that he can blame the previous government for breaking it and then take the credit when (if) he fixes it.

Engaged Cubs

On Saturday I was priveliged to take a Cub Pack to the excellent RAF museum at RAF Cosford. It was a day I approached with some trepidation, as the Pack has been a little boisterous for my delicate constitution lately, but they were as good as gold on the day. The boys were enthusiastic, yes. Energetic, most definitely. But they were also keen, interested, engaged, polite and respectful. They made the day easy for their two leaders, both of whom are fairly new to the job, and you can't ask for more than that really.

I didn't see a lot "broken" on Saturday and it occurred to me that organisations like the Cubs and Scouts have a major role to play in shaping the future of British society and saving it from the apocalyptic meltdown that the media tells us is just around the corner. I was a Cub and a Scout myself, many moons ago. The organisation taught me many valuable life skills and I've taken a lot of its values and principals into my adult life. It's a shame that it's only recently I've decided to give something back and become a Leader.

Yes, society is very different today to how it was 30-40 years ago, children have different needs and are subject to greater pressures. Scouting faces stiffer competition from TV, DVD, video games and the internet, as well as the vast array of activities that schools and clubs now offer. But surely the fundamental principals that Scouting encourages are just as valid today as they were then, probably even more so. Cubs, and especially Scouts, are prime recruiting material for the gangs that are supposedly bringing our society to its knees.

And yet, all Scout units are set up as charities and rely on donations, subscriptions and hours and hours of volunteers' efforts to keep going. A forward thinking government might just be smart enough to recognise the link between keeping kids occupied and interested in wholesome activities, and improved behaviour and values. It might be sufficiently wise to consider providing funding to these organisations, instead of forever cutting away at services provided to the young, the elderly and the disadvantaged. Just a thought.

The only downside of Saturday is that I now have to sew two newly earned Air Activities badges on to my sons' uniforms. A small price to pay.